Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.
He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity, and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."
They throw the... [ Continue reading... ]
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas plus a couple that have not been identified yet.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only... [ Continue reading... ]
Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner. [ Continue reading... ]
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department ; store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.... [ Continue reading... ]
Two GIs huddled in a foxhole. One, a tough-back woodsman from Texas, calmly rolled a cigarette from makin’s. Having finished, he put it to his lips, tilted his head back and raised upward until the cigarette barely cleared the top of the foxhole.
“Bang! Zing!” A bullet from a sniper’s rifle hit the tip of the cigarette and lit it. The Texan settled back comfortable. “Never fails,” he drawled. “Do it like that every time. Saves... [ Continue reading... ]
Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.
The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place “The Jolly Roger.”
The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place “Gene’s... [ Continue reading... ]
I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "MIGHTY NIAGARA", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water & Power".While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of... [ Continue reading... ]
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."After a... [ Continue reading... ]
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?""Yup, shore am!""How much does he weigh now?"The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh... [ Continue reading... ]
