The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your... [ Continue reading... ]
Catholicism: if shit happens, I deserve it.
Protestantism: shit won't happen if I work harder.
Judaism: why does this shit always happen to me?
Buddhism: when shit happens, is it really shit?
Islam: if shit happens, blame the infidels.
Hinduism: this shit happened before.
Hare Krishna: shit happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.
Rastafarianism: lets smoke this shit! [ Continue reading... ]
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves... [ Continue reading... ]
Two Christians were lost in the Sahara desert. One is David, the other is Michael. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate of a mosque in the middle.David said to Michael : "Look, let's pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we'll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself Mohammed."Michael refused to change his name, he said : "My name is Michael, and I will not pretend... [ Continue reading... ]
God was looking down at Earth on New Year's Eve and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said," Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion." When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely ... [ Continue reading... ]
Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!""What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion."Well," came the reply, "which part of... [ Continue reading... ]
There are three nuns and a Mother Superior. The Mother Superior tells the three nuns that before they can receive their Saint name they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad.After the three nuns return, the Mother Superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first two nuns are crying, the third is giggling.The Mother Superior says to the first... [ Continue reading... ]
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that there was a fortune to be made in horses decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this... [ Continue reading... ]
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched... [ Continue reading... ]
