A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man... [ Continue reading... ]
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your... [ Continue reading... ]
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they... [ Continue reading... ]
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy... [ Continue reading... ]
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their... [ Continue reading... ]
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man.
He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a... [ Continue reading... ]
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. And, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with it. So, why should I tip him?"
The dealer replied, "When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes, sure I do," responded the player.
"Well then, he serves... [ Continue reading... ]
This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place
get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am... [ Continue reading... ]
Top 10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson .. Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a... [ Continue reading... ]
