"Mate, she's as rough as a pigs breakfast.""Your face is like a twisted ugg boot.""He's got a face like a cat licking sh*t off a thistle.""She's been hit with the ugly stick too many times.""She's two pick handles wide.""An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag.""As ugly as a bag of spanners.""You've got a head like a dropped pie.""Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down.""Your the load your mother should have... [ Continue reading... ]
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl.... [ Continue reading... ]
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi.""I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl.""It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly.""Off to the bog to leave an offering.""Time to snap off a grogan.""Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave.""I'm gonna strangle a brownie.""There's a brown dog barking at the back door.""I'm going to give birth to your twin.""Need to choke a brown dog.""I've freed Nelson Mandela.""Going for a Rodney.""Taking out the... [ Continue reading... ]
I need to go for a pee:"Gonna drain me dragon.""My back teeth are floating.""Need to syphon the python.""Takin' the kids to the pool.""I got to take a snakes hiss.""Gotta go have a slash.""Gonna go water a horse.""I'm off to drain the main vein.""Time to splatter the bladder.""I'm dying for a piss ! so bad I can taste it.""Shake hands with the wife's best... [ Continue reading... ]
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.They end up getting married.On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.When she returns to the... [ Continue reading... ]
An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth’s atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.He sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lies in his cot.“Did I come here to die?” he says with a... [ Continue reading... ]
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me ... [ Continue reading... ]
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".The conversation has, meanwhile, almost... [ Continue reading... ]
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman & an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!" The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money". The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George... [ Continue reading... ]
