Huge Collection of Jokes Online
General Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open. When leaving the room she said, “General Smith, your barracks door is open.” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw... [ Continue reading... ]
There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he... [ Continue reading... ]
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took... [ Continue reading... ]
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man... [ Continue reading... ]
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. walking up behind her he says, "Hi There! Good looking! How's it going?" She, Having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!" Eyes... [ Continue reading... ]
A guy walks into a whore house and says, "I have been out at sea for a whole f*cking year, I want the wildest craziest wh*re you've got!" The madam says, "that would be Hurricane Helga up in 4B." So the guy goes up and knocks on 4B. The door suddenly opens and he is yanked inside. The lady in the room starts screaming at the top of her lungs in his ear. "WHAT YOU HEAR IS THE WIND OF HURRICANE HELGA!" She then grabs him and throws him... [ Continue reading... ]
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror,... [ Continue reading... ]
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?" "Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?" "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer. Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer... [ Continue reading... ]
A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife, "Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal... [ Continue reading... ]
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